Introducing Federal Scientist (now under the Trump administration) Barbie™!

November 27, 2019 | 12:51 pm
Jacob Carter
Former Contributor

For 60 years, Barbie™ has inspired children of all ages to grow up and become whatever they want to be: an astronaut, a journalist, or even a mechanic! Now there’s a barbie to inspire the next generation of scientists who want to work in the government and attempt to make a difference in the world. Introducing federal scientist Barbie™!

Federal scientist (under the Trump administration) Barbie™ is a brilliant and hardworking public servant and Ph.D. level scientist who’s been conducting rigorous scientific assessment within the federal government for 17 years. During that time, she’s conducted science that has greatly benefited public health and safety – something that makes federal scientist Barbie™ extremely happy about coming to work every day. But under the current administration her work is severely defunded, her papers and reports are consistently rejected by political officials for “administrative reasons,” and she’s in constant fear of losing her job for saying something “too science-y,” but she’s hanging in there!

Federal scientist Barbie™ comes complete with the best government fashion and has a suit jacket and pencil skirt in multiple colors. Although nowadays she tends to wear only black, which matches the morale of her and her colleagues under the Trump administration. She has a “March for Science” button pinned and tucked away on the inside of her jacket that slightly shows as her jacket flows open when she walks the halls of her agency.

Children will have a blast (large understatement) working with federal scientist Barbie™ under the current administration! Help federal scientist Barbie™ send off emails to trusted colleagues to try and navigate the bureaucratic system to get her scientific analyses out to the public (good luck). Think of items that she’d need to pack if the administration ever let her go to the annual meeting of her scientific society. Scream into a towel she keeps nearby as she learns that political appointees are delaying her most recent scientific paper because it mentioned the phrase, “scientific evidence,” one time!

And don’t forget all the fun accessories that she comes with:

  • A stamp that reads “preliminary” to put on the dozens of peer-reviewed research papers that federal scientist Barbie™ has spent years and years working on. This might encourage her political bosses to allow her work out to the public, but then again maybe not, who knows? How fun!
  • A set of cardboard boxes to pack up the things in her office, just in case federal scientist Barbie™ is reassigned to another state, an accounting office for which she has no experience what-so-ever, or immediately fired for accidentally saying something science-like that the administration didn’t like or found confusing.
  • A cabinet that locks to hide all her research that is viewed as politically contentious such the latest version of the National Climate Assessment and a scientific report she wrote that she hasn’t deleted all the mentions of “climate change” from.
  • A running list of scientific terms that the administration considers “politically contentious” that federal scientist Barbie™ has labeled as “no no words.” She keeps this pinned right next to her computer, so she doesn’t accidentally use them in her work!
  • A briefcase that is just large enough to hold all her peer-reviewed papers and reports that have been suppressed from release.
  • Her doctoral degree which she hangs in her cubicle and sighs at every morning she walks in.
  • Federal Scientist Barbie™ can also now ask questions about why her scientific work is being suppressed to Political Appointee Ken™. Push the button on his back to hear multiple answers such as, “budgetary reasons,” “who are you?” and “science is a democrat thing.”

Federal scientist Barbie™ looks forward to getting out all her important work to the public once a science-friendly administration is in office again. She’s glad that she has amazing colleagues who plan to do the same thing, provide her an outlet to discuss these issues, and support her and her work. The work she does is incredibly important to the public, she understands this completely, and so she perseveres. She’s helped the government make decisions that have saved lives for 17 years so why bow out now, people still need her expertise.

But still…being a federal scientist at some agencies right now kind of sucks. Federal scientist Barbie™ is all too aware.